Hollow Words and the Demeanor of Love
Some trees get hollowed out over time. When it happens, they rot from the inside out and eventually they collapse. These trees still produce leaves and fruit, outwardly they appear healthy. But at their heart, at their core, they’re dying. It may take years, but this tree will over time show more and more signs of the death which has already taken hold of it.
It would thrill me to say that Christians are inoculated against this internal, heart-rot, but that simply isn’t so. Yes, even Christians face a similar problem: a heart issue can decay the soul even when outwardly, all seems well.
Every Christian has seen it, has felt it, has probably done it at some point. “It” is the outward disconnect between what we say and how we comport ourselves. We bless with our words, but not with our hearts. We smile with our mouths, but not our eyes.
I remember a scene from the show “How I Met Your Mother” where the main characters were discussing a certain level of discomfort with one portrayed by Kyle MacLachlan named “The Captain.” Eventually, one of the main characters brings in a smiling headshot photo of “The Captain” and, via a piece of cardboard which will cover either the eyes or smile of the picture, displays that while his smile says, “kind and nice,” his eyes say, “I’ll murder you.” It’s a really amusing scene where the rest of the regular crew questions how the portrait feels about ice cream, which of course elicits the kind smile as the top of this picture is covered, and rainy days, which brings forth the the murderous gaze and the cardboard slides downward.
This scenario plays out every day around the globe. The message doesn’t match the tone with which it is delivered. The body language feels out of sync with the message. The words say one thing, while the demeanor bellows to the contrary.
As a Christian, I’ve witnessed it in churches from since childhood. As a youth leader, teenagers grunted, “I’m fine.” while every aspect of their posture finked on that utterance. As a pastor, I hear compliments delivered in a southern “bless-your-heart” caustic, plastic flattery. As a friend, conversations skim and slide across the surface-level veneer when clearly beneath said shell a roiling soul struggles.
We create and enter into spaces where the facade won’t be punctured and when we know it might crack and crumble, that we might not be able to hold it together, we keep those relationships and environments at arms length.
It is anti-gospel.
The milieu of relationships between Christians should be the safest place to come undone. The message of the gospel is that we’re all train wrecks in our own way apart from the love of God. Yet far too often, the culture of the church doesn’t allow us to appear like broken people. Christians know their weaknesses, their flaws, their sticky and icky spots. Somehow, though, Christians hide them while studying, even spotlighting, the weaknesses, flaws, and sticky icky spots of other Christians.
Perhaps it is because nobody likes to feel unraveled. Nobody I know particularly enjoys the dark night of the soul that can ensue from introspection; even the most melancholy don’t look too closely. The defensiveness of humanity comes naturally.
After eating fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, recognition sat in on Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. And they fled. They took cover; they made cover for themselves because their flaws were uncovered and they knew it.1 We act out of the same sense of shame today. At some level, we act in exactly the same way. We shift blame. We distract others to look elsewhere rather than ourselves. We will do whatever it takes to get eyes off of us.
And our language drips with the venom of finger-pointing. We look to anywhere but ourselves. Rather than allowing ourselves to be convicted by the Holy Spirit about the areas of our own lives which need to be submitted to God so he can iron them out, we see the problem as external rather than internal; all while smiling idly at those around us while our minds twist our hearts and wring out compassion and self-reflection.
Jesus’s half-brother, James writes, “…no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!”2 We think that cursing means literal cursing, but what if we are not taking that seriously enough? What if cursing means highlighting the flaws of another? Is that not also cursing them? Are we not, in that moment, pointing out the sin of another in such a fashion as to draw attention both away from ourselves and toward another’s sin? I cannot speak for you, but that feels gross to me.
But we do it all the time.
So, what’s the antidote?
Philippians 2 comes to mind: “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.”3 And even in this, we need more shape, more understanding of what that might look like. Paul writes yet again about the issue; this time in his letter to Colossae:
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to through him to God the Father.4
I love that Paul writes that we are to extend grace to one another, forgiving one another, but also making “allowance for each other’s faults.” Inherent to the practice of faith is a recognition that we’re all bumbling idiots when it comes to our sin.
Sure, some have learned to live their life more gracefully, but we’re all prone to slips and tumbles. We all have our issues which we carry from the cradle to the grave. Some deal with anger, others with pride, many with lust, several with greed, innumerable with more than the aforementioned sins plus still yet more. The question is not whether or not we’re stumbling at the moment; our lives reflect protracted battles against temptation of one form or another.
We, as Christians, must then learn to not bifurcate our response. Our demeanor must reflect our message. Our love and care must not be portrayed in our words alone, but through our postures toward one another, our countenance, our deportment, and our conduct. We must align our head, heart, and hands to be people who extend grace to one another. We must outdo one another in showing honor to one another5.
Looking at those around you to evaluate your own life won’t save or sanctify you, it will shrivel your soul. Rather, you must look to Christ for your evaluation. Submit your soul to God’s watchful eye to prevent yourself from becoming a person with a smiling mouth but spiteful eyes, a person whose lips drip with tainted expressions of “kindness.” You must give yourself over to God’s judgment and leadership and formation to become a person with whole-hearted, whole-minded love for others. Your pursuit must center on confession and openness with God, bringing the darkness of your heart into his light.
When you make yourself vulnerable before God, he satisfies your need for forgiveness and the forgiven forgive. Rather than weaponizing holiness against others’ sin, you coax others to pursue the same satisfaction in Christ. You share your own helplessness instead of camouflaging it. Your openness spurs others to openness by honoring their vulnerability, seeing it for what it is, and hoping to help them bring it to the light of Christ.
Seek to be unambiguous about yourself. Be self-aware about sins and struggles and weaknesses and wobbles. Be clear about your hope. Be the kind of person who honors and values others enough to stoop down, help them stand, and support them as they bring the fragments of their lives—the sicknesses, the frayed relationships, the incessant noise—to Christ, hoping to find restoration and reconciliation.
Put on the demeanor of love.
~SDG~
Photo by Jason Mitrione on Unsplash
Genesis 3:7
James 3:8-10, New Living Translation
Philippians 2:3, New Living Translation
Colossians 3:12-17, New Living Translation
Romans 12:10